If You Are One-Born Rotten

Can we talk?
Joan Rivers (June 8)

You belong to the Fad-of-the-Month Club. You were the first kid on your block to have a hula hoop, a skateboard, or roller blades. You are also the first one to arrive in the Emergency Room with a broken bone, because you refused to wear protective gear. You have a hundred acquaintances but few friends. Probably because you spend half of your time talking behind their backs and the other half making eyes at their lovers.

Gems make good writers, mimics, used-car salesmen, con artists, and magpies. You are also one of the psychic signs, but can’t shut up long enough to practice your meditation exercises.

You love to embellish the boring details of your life. What starts out as a trip to the grocery store becomes the day you spotted Elvis in the parking lot. When you confronted him, you discovered it wasn't the King after all - it was Jimmy Hoffa.

You do have a gift for imparting knowledge to others. On the playground you were the one who taught the other kids how to play doctor. If you were a drug, it would be speed.

You hate solitude. You aren't introspective and need the stimulus of other people to help manage the buzzing noises in your head. It has been said of Gemini Bob Hope that is he could live his life over again, he wouldn't have the time. While this description neatly fits every Gemini, the reason your social calendar is overbooked is because, when there’s no one else to talk to, you bore yourself to death.

In Gemini, Mercury bestows a natural talent for pot stirring. You love to invite over for drinks people who detest each other, then sit back and watch the mayhem.

Your Achilles Heel is romance. You are sucker for a sob story, flattery, or an out-and-out lie. In any other area of life, you are suspicious of most people who offer genuine friendship because you are such a phoney baloney. However, if someone listens intently to your latest goofy scheme, interjects a bit of his, or her, own pathos now and then, you’re hooked. Never mind that your latest flame is your sixth spouse, You instantly fall in love, then after the smoke clears and you realize you've chosen yet another card-carrying psycho, you run like Hell. If you could learn to not get married in between the loving and the running, you’d save yourself many headaches.

Your breezy nature and impressive recuperative powers keep you relatively unscathed in matters of the heart. If you have guilt at all, it’s more a nagging sense that you should have more emotional empathy. But it really doesn't matter. You are protected by Mercury, the god of thieves and liars and seldom get hoisted on your own petard.

There isn't a nose in the zodiac you can't tweak. You laugh in the face of Raging Bull and were born with the ability to give Virgo ulcers. You make Aries see double red and outtalk Sagittarius. You pop Leo's arrogance balloon with a well-timed bit of truth. And, stodgy Capricorn's pointed bards shatter against your cool demeanor. The Water signs' blatant emotionalism drives you bonkers. However  you know just how to skewer Fish, Crabs, and Scorpions and serve them à la carte. You and the other Air signs, Aquarius and Libra, understand each other on a soul level, and therefor, rarely have serious confrontations.

Your philosophy is, "Do something, even if it's wrong." You may run into a brick wall and get the wind knocked out of you. But your energy scatters around the obstacle to gather again, whole, on the other side. Let the rest of humanity lumber along like elephants on parade. You dart through life adding color and imagination. Years from now when all your old lovers are shuffling along behind their walkers, you'll be writing your three-volume set of memoirs and teaching tap dancing on the side just to keep your body limber.

Nota: Começei a escrever uma nota sobre a minha interpretação deste texto mas fartei-me: apagei e escrevi isto sobre o que queria escrever e não escrevi. Está muito melhor!

(Such a fun and exciting way of being alive: talking trash about ourselves before anyone does it. :D)