"Try again", she thought… Without listening to the noise made by hidden words in her mind. It was like this every day and by the end of it there was that felling of “déjà vu”. She will try again as if she already knew what was coming. "Maybe today"… are the words that slip through her lips now and then.
All she ever wanted was to find a purpose in her life. Something that could make her feel something. Her father had always said she was meant to achieve great things. Only her father thought that. He was her father.
Even with time enough to stay in bed a little more, she always gets up wishing to stay. But she can not. Something or someone keeps making her getting out of bed, more than she wants, at the same time, every day. There are only a couple of days, and sometimes not even that, when she is able to rest for a little while more.
From her dreams, she only retains a small portion. But only in the few times that she remembers. The main portion remains hidden behind a mist that can only be crossed by someone who understands it. Her head clears but only one uneasy feeling remains: “I want the dream in my life”, she thought, pleasuring herself in a soothing bath. The bath was the only moment when she is not surrounded by people trying to push thoughts into her mind.
For a moment the day stood still not knowing where it was meant to go. During that moment everything seemed to move faster than her… No, that was not it! The day did not stop after all. She was in between wills, not knowing where to go. The day never stops, not even for her.
This is the kind of perception she often has, as if the dreams become something palpable. Even if sometimes feels uncomfortable, other times it seems like she belongs there.
Becoming crazy was stopped by using her mind to work on something that enables her to suppress conflicting thoughts inside her mind. Usually involves producing meaningless things to her but somehow appreciated by others.
By doing that, she intended to achieve some kind of joy or sense of accomplishment. The hours went by and the felling that what she was doing was of no use - not to her - and sometimes to anyone, increases proportionally to the number of things she was doing.
What she needs is some kind of job that fulfills the emptiness she was felling. It was not only emptiness but an impotence to figure out what was that has the potential to fill it. Her husband always gave her some suggestions on how to do it. Not very practical suggestions. Even if they were, they do not fell right. Only because of her low self-esteem. In other words she was conscious that she was really good if she would pursue those suggestions.
The only problem was that she always will feel like there is someone better at it. She wanted to be unique for someone or in something. This is very annoying because it can swallow her into some kind of obsession. And that she cannot allow that. That is why her mind was always on the move.
The circling thoughts only give her nausea. Yes, she needed money to live. The problem is that the need of money was taking her life away. Or at the very least was preventing her to know life. The more she understands life the more life hurts. She was not supposed to know life but to live it. More than anything she needed her life to mean something.
For her, a job should pay enough for them to have a comfortable life. Having a job also provides for a more sane existence. Although she drives on novelties, she also needs a job that brings both things: provide economic and mental stability.
She needs economic stability to maintain a healthy level of sanity, as she needs to maintain sanity to have that kind of job.
She was no millionaire, although being one was a nice job. The kind of solutions her husband suggests would not produce any visible profits. At least not right away. And they needed the money.
The money was of no importance but was needed to make a visible sign of her participation in the house expenses. And to make things move quicker.
Having pondered all the solutions the fact was that this was something that would exist independently of any ideas concerning it. Her body was present but her mind was slipping away. Her mind has found the answer ahead of her. The jobs, the money, the relations, the desires, were only there to keep her in place, in one place.
Living in that artificial reality she was confronted with only one choice. It was a relief, only one choice. It wasn’t really a choice. It was the only way. Others would consider it something demising, but not for her.
Giving it no more thoughts she wasted no more time. She would have all the time and for this once she will let her mind have some rest before... In fact, time would be the last thing she will think from now on.
Finally, she was in complete control of her thoughts and of her life. She was free for trying it all the times she wanted or not trying at all. There her mind was free. There her mind was pure freedom.
Helder Cabeçadas (1974-2047)